I worked really hard at it all weekend and didn’t
notice then when Ontario’s first Lesbian Premier was
sworn in as governor on Sunday.

Hey! None of this honesty and politically incorrect
“you’re not part of the team crap!” If I phoned
everyone next weekend and apologized for being
hypocritical no one’s going to give up their
weekend if it’s nice weather to talk about it,
so what’s the difference.

Hypocritical? All anglo-saxon Hindu Moslem multicultural submarines are on deep dive.
Arnold Shwarzenagger would win his ticket here
tomorrow and be allowed to talk German for the
whole four years just so other people wouldn’t
have to talk.

No Republican could survive Canada and the subtlety
of the all the anglo smoke and mirrors. In the
US they don’t have time for that and just repossess
your car or whatever.

Wel, you’re a good sport but I guess I better
go and get me one of those gym memberships
everyone keeps talking about.

HM

I have nowhere to take this story so
if want to you can include it here.

I GOT SEPARATED FROM MY MOTORCYCLE GANG AND
WAS HELPED BY THE CITIZENS OF ASTORIA OREGON

“President Clinton is giving a speech
downtown if you want to go hear it. It’s
outside and it’s stopped raining.”
“Great, do you want to go?”
“No, I don’t like him. My son’s
in the marines and they never
gave him automatic weapons that
worked properly during Desert Storm.”

I thought hard for a minute.

“I have to go. I’ve never seen
a live President before.
I look forward to talking about
weapons later.”

I left the motel receptionist,
jumped into my rental car,
backed into the garden hose tap,
and put a hole in the bumper
that I did not notice until later.
The garden hose was not damaged.

Mr. Clinton gave an excellent
two hour speech, stumping for
the Hillary for President nomination.
The crowd was mesmerized, no heckling.

A coast guard rescue vessel
on the Astoria waterfront
had a giant marijuana leaf
with a circle and a bar painted
diagonally through it on the
smokestack behind the President.
Could this not have been moved
further upstream?

An enormous breakfast buffet
had been set up in the
Maritime Museum next door.
I went in: “What’s this?”
“It’s breakfast for the President
and the Secret Service.
They dont’ want it,
do you want some?”
“Well sure,I guess,
if the President doesn’t want it.”

I ate like a king and shoved the
donuts into my pockets to hide them
from the Secret Service.
Thank-you America.

I returned to the motel
and saw that I had put
a large hole in my rear bumper.
No rider for collision damage
outside the country,
(I thought I had it),
and no rental collision from
Alamo either. I wept.

I thought:

I am screwed all by myself
in the United States where
no one helps anyone unless
there’s something in it
for them and unwanted Canadians
are taken behind the barn
and killed. (Traumatized, I had
forgotten this morning’s breakfast
generosity)

I am no longer fooled by this
Jack Daniels nightmare of a
country and their “friendliness”.

They hate Canadians.
They don’t want you buying their
property and they don’t want you
in their hot tubs either.

They only allow you
to drive to Florida because
you’re a freak of nature
and you’re cold all the time
and if you turn off 1-75
to buy a pair of pliers
at Home Depot, you are
immediately arrrested for
illegal immigration.

None of these thoughts were
helpful, so I wept some
more, internally.

Schools started letting kids
out early so they could see
the stupid Canadian driving
around town with the hole in
his bumper. Bumper hole man.

Take charge of the situation!
Stop whining! Be positive!
Being dinged by Alamo for $2000+
will be more fun than you
give them credit for!

Crying won’t help. I know!
I’ll cover the hole in the bumper
with a bumper sticker!
But it had to be dignified,
the right kind.
I know! It’s election year.(2008)
I will cover the hole with an
election year bumper sticker!

I found the “Hillary for President” :
election campaign office. I went inside:
“I would like a Hillary for President
bumper sticker please to cover
the hole in my bumper.”
“I can’t let you have a
bumper sticker for that.”
“What difference does it make?
It’s a hole, no one will know
there’s a hole underneath.”
She said no again so I changed
tactics.

“I’m Canadian and would like
to have a bumper sticker to
cover the hole in the bumper
for safety reaons while
driving in the USA”.

This too was unsuccessful so I asked:
“Where is the Obama for President
election office?”

“I don’t know”.

(I thought, you lying bitch, you
do too)

Afraid of having my head thumped
into the Liberty Bell as next year’s
Super Bowl halftime show, I left.

At Wells Fargo I was told by the
bank manager that charging $20
to cash a $50 AMEX travellers
cheque was standard.

The Obama ‘O8 election office was
only three blocks away and
I found it the next day.
I bought two bumper stickers
for $6. I told them they
would be attached to a brand new
car and left out the rest.

None of this represented
a real solution.
(thinking, thinking)
I could work illegally for
six weeks and sleep at
Burger King, pay off Alamo
and buy a new plane ticket..
I did attend an Astoria Mormon Church
service the previous Sunday
out of curiosity.
They were friendly, they might help.
I wept some more.

After four more days and the
last of the Secret Service donuts
I came to my senses.
Somewhere around here there must
be a motorcyle chop shop, every
town has one. Go find it. I did.
They helped.

They put me in touch with a
bodyworks guy who worked
out of his house.
He would be glad to do it
for only $300 so Alamo wouldn’t
ding me for $2000+ and a
new glove compartment.

I said I’d have to charge it because
I needed my greenbacks for the
rest of my trip.
They said that was okay,
the guy owed them $300 and that
would wipe out that debt.
Come back the next day. I did.

I had a sleepless night thinking of
Canadian bodies piling up behind
the barn Oregon chainsaw style and
disinterested law enforcement not
identifying anything until they
thought they had had enough.

I left my work number on top of the
motel TV along with stacks of
quarters so the maid would call
the police if that proved necessary
and keep the leftover quarters
for herself. Why I thought this was
generous I do not know and makes
me no better than Wells Fargo. I
apologize here.

The next day I arrived at the
appointed time, was driven back into
town and told by the guy to have
coffee at the truckstop for five hours
becauase of drying time.

At 4 pm I was driving my car over
the hard-packed sand beach just like
in the car commercials.

After about two hours of this I thought
sand in the transmission might set
me back and I didn’t want to start
from scratch, so I stopped. The tide
was coming in. I was so happy.

Alamo accepted my bumper repair
at no further costs and I put the
left over quarters in my pocket.
Obama became President later that
year.

I am sorry I was only able to
tip the guy twenty dollars but I had
no extra greenbacks by this time.
Starbucks kills the appetite
so I relied on that until I was
back on the plane and could ask
for leftover muffins.
(“Please return to your seat,
we don’t do leftover steaks.”
Everything’s leftover in the
galley all the time, just go and ask)

Thank-you to Astoria Oregon.

Thank-you

A little bit long but I hope readers
like it.

Mine is sitting in the garage. Real Cold here this week.